I drove down to Fresno with my daughter today to see a supposed boy friend. That person bailed and would not meet me or show up to have some time together. I remember turning 18 and being sorely disappointed in the quality and quantity of my relationships. I wanted more and perhaps different. I wanted better quality. But relationships are not that way and I’ve learned after my years of marriage and divorce that the whole relationship thing requires a bartering and trade where each person arrives at a point ready to give and take and its done freely. If its not done that way, its not a relationship. Its more like the other person taking advantage. Then the person knows that the game of establishing that person to person contacts is fraught with danger, disappointment, and risk. I have learned I am not good relationship material. I am egotistical, narcissistic, and selfish and those are my good qualities. I don’t give a damn about other people for the most part. A few have crossed my path I care about and that I still do. Lets face it though as you get old, the whole friendship and relationship thing is so much harder to establish and maintain.
Why? Why does it become harder? For me its because I am more demanding. I require more trading and bartering and arriving at a known good point before I will open that kimono. Think about dear reader or two. What is it about relationships that make them good for you, that make them bad, that make you want to rip the feeling apart?
So here I sit in a hotel room in a seedy part of Fresno. I watched the hookers walk by earlier in their short skirts with that one thing that has transformed generations of people. I watched a guy going through the trash getting plastic at the 7-11 I stopped at. I heard the car horns of the upwardly mobile shopping center where my daughter became one of the disappointed and disaffected and probably learned that sowing the seeds of that mystical man to woman thing is dangerous and often the path leads to ultimate disappointment.
And such it is and has been and always will be. I’ll drink a Fosters beer and watch college ball tonight and sleep the drunk sleep again. Work has claimed me even on weekends. But I have one thing now which I lacked for those years of the enforced marriage relationship. I have myself and I have a measure of joy at doing what the fuck I want to do. I work because I love work at the current place. I know one day that will move beyond and I will traverse another path. A solo path that does not depend on another to produce limits. I know I am limitless and I am fragile and fraught with bad emotions and states and feelings. I am me and I don’t need to append to another to find joy in the days of life.
Sorry to burst your bubble that I am not an altruistic and charitable human being. You can stop reading but I won’t stop writing. I will continue to explore the travels of Mike and find things which amuse, amaze, baffle, and disappoint me.