Normally on Fridays I go for longer walks with Google Play Music going on my phone with bluetooth earbuds. Last night I went for 2 hours of a walk which the phone says was over 6 miles. I was really happy with that. After that I went to a Carl’s Junior for a burger combo. The Carl’s Junior has the same people most times and I’ve seen this one person who sits there for perhaps hours with three small phones intently reading and talking to herself. I’ve seen her there about 5 times now. I also watch the families and couples because like it or not I am a people watcher. I also silently thank my fortunes to not have some of those relationships.
I heard one couple argue over just about everything including where to sit. Why? How can people who supposedly love each other ever get to a point where they cannot decide where to sit? I then remember when I was married and went for walks with my wife we argued and talked and the walks became less and the confrontation more. I almost gave up walking then.
Anyways, these two seemed intent on agreeing to disagree and neither looked particularly happy to be with the other. I bet they are so-called open nesters and the kids have moved out to their own lives. Soon the familiarity of the years together breeds contempt. Its not so much about completing a sentence of another but knowing what they think or thinking you know what they think. In reality, we can never do that nor can we put ourselves in someone else’s skin or understand their feelings, walk a mile in their shoes.
I mention all this because its dawned on me I should be and am thankful. I decide where to sit and what to eat. I decide to dawdle over the water or soda or beer or turn left or right on the walk. There is not another whining voice reminding me of all my shortcomings. Obviously I have had way too many and some included previous relationships. All my fault and now I know some of us are not meant to be in some glue of a relationship with another. We are solitary wanderers and perhaps its because I am an egotist, self-centered, and narcissistic. I always have been and I’ve known it. I don’t really care for others and I’m sorry. I also don’t believe others care for me. So the feelings are equal :-).
I mention all this because life is too short and we owe ourselves to make the best of our lives and not suffer through days and years of hatred or contempt or distrust or insult and injury. I will leave this place sooner rather than later and what country I visit or what train stop I get off is not up to anyone besides me. It sounds selfish and it is. I’m sorry. Don’t follow me any longer here.
I’ve paid dues and I can now say that I am not built for companionship. Its something broken in me. I prefer a book to a whining and complaining person. Perhaps a dog to another human but I cannot have a dog. My friend Bill once told me that in retrospect he should have married the dog because that love was unconditional and the dog did not sue for divorce.
We all are made of incomplete reflections in the mirror. We are but broken pieces of what the archeologist may find one day. Our lives perhaps as Thoreau once remarked are lived in quiet desperation. I challenge you to break free and find yourself. Finding yourself perhaps will lead you to another if that’s what the future holds. Mine does not.
So sue me.