If you are not into personal introspection type blog posts, stop now and go elsewhere. i think I’ve mentioned that oftentimes blogging feels like a 5 pound chicken trying to lay a 10 pound egg to me. This is one of them. If you have followed along for the last month give or take you know I left end of February for Japan. I spent two weeks in Japan and the goal was to get back to photography, burn some of the work carbon out of the engine, get very long walks in every day , and eat and drink and repeat and rinse as necessary. I knew it would be difficult going from working 12 to 16 hours per day, with back to back webex calls, project review meetings, get to green meetings to simply stop. You don’t just turn the switch to the off position. Then there was family stuff. My daughter wanted to exit to be with her boyfriend in Florida. She designed and defined a strategy which try as I can I simply cannot agree with. Its dawned on me though leaving it just don’t matter whether I agree or not. Why? Because I am fucking gone. That’s why.
So it came back to the retirement thing. The feelings of goods and bads doing it. Truth be told many days I get up and want a set of things to get done. I catch myself making up lists of todo items. Perhaps I do some of them or just change the date on them to the next day or sit with an Egg Coffee and wonder about them. Its hard though to simply turn off those project management things.
I’ve spent three weeks at it and i think its gonna take longer. Its like a spring was wound up somewhere really tight and when i back off on it, there is a bit of slack in it. Each day there is less as I sit at the Lake and read more or sleep in later and do email or read things about the camera in the mornings.
Does one ever get done though I wonder with the work things? At first, as I flew to Japan there was some guilt. I had simply not finished what I set out to do even though I finished the project and did what they wanted. I knew it was my “swan song” and that I would exit no matter what. There was simply no gas left in the tank after the project. It was fully loaded, completely focused, loss of holidays time getting it done. People doubted it would get done so I felt I had to prove a thing. They doubted our vendors so I enabled them to be successful.
Then I left.
All of that remained behind and its been touch and go some days reminding myself its okay to have left. People were thankful for what they had of me at the company. I only did two projects in two years for heaven’s sake. Both were risky, stressful, done over holidays.
Then I left.
Now I’m gone and I introspect the things still after a beer or three or some Pho. And I have come to realize there is a tiny irritating piece you never lose. Its a little piece of a thing in some dark corner which reminds you then and again. Meanwhile, I am outdoors walking over 12k steps each day and feel good. I sit drinking a few beers each day after and I feel better. I know that retirement is meant to soothe that ego and produce a new state. I have come closer to the state.
Perhaps when I turn a corner in the old quarter one day it will truly sink away. I will be like new with no guilt or introspection bubbling up. I doubt it though. But lets do this. Lets make a deal. I’ll do the walking wherever I go, take the photographs, eat and drink. You read. You never have to “LIKE” a thing or comment. Not expected or desired. As I have mentioned I don’t write this for you.
The egg has landed.